this beer tastes like vomit already
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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