I got chris browned last night
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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