theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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