beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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