apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
