Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
