There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
