You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
