I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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