Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
