I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
