You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just pee around me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You are a genius and a whore.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
