I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
