I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
