She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
