I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
