Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
