Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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