It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
