I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
