i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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