He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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