Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my being single is dangerous.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
