Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
