Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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