I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
