Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
