captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
