Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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