we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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