It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
