i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
