Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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