you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
