When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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