I heard we made out
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
