Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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