Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
