I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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