I am puke
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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