I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
