I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
