its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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