I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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