I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
