Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
