In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
