Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
