from now on my penis is your penis
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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