i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
