We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
